The Present Parent

My journey through parenting is one that is filled with valuable life lessons from every day experiences and interaction with my children. It’s interesting that children emulate what they see you do and not always “as you tell them to do”. We are the first role models our children will look up to, so what values are we promoting at home?

In 2016, I made the decision to take my children to Nigeria because it was important to my husband and I to give them a first-hand experience of what beauty truly beholds their motherland. This stemmed from a conversation I had with my older daughter. The conversation went something like this; “mummy, why are there so many poor people in Africa?” Shocked and confused, I asked her “Tumi how did you come to this conclusion?” She looked at me and paused, I think she sensed I had my defensive guard up, and she walked away and said “never mind”. I decided to ask her again in a calmer voice this time and her explanation shocked me. “Well, on TV they are always asking people to give money to children and people in Africa and they are all poor”. I tried really hard to control my emotions but it was clear at that point that I had done my child a disservice. Without realising it, I had allowed my child believe a narrative that promotes discrimination and unconscious bias. I tried my best to explain to her that this narrative was not only untrue, it was one of the bases why people who are black are not treated very nicely. I went further to explain that there were rich and poor people in every country. But I knew what I said only confused her further and honestly, she clearly wasn’t in the mood for a deep discussion. Reflecting on this, I knew I needed to do better and be more intentional about showcasing the things I was proud of about being African, and Nigerian to be precise.

I spoke to my husband about it and anyone who knows him will attest to the fact that he is a passionate PAN-AFRICANIST, (Pan-Africanism, the idea that peoples of African descent have common interests and should be unified. https://www.britannica.com/topic/Pan-Africanism) which made him very quite disappointed that we hadn’t done enough to educate our children on issues around identity and culture of which we were very proud to be a part of. He told me immediately, “we need to take the girls to Nigeria, we need to teach them by letting them see and experience it for themselves”. To summarise, we went to Nigeria in April that year, and her experience is one she still talks about till this day. I guess the saying is true “seeing is believing” as that trip was a life changing experience for her in a positive way. It wasn’t perfect as she couldn’t understand why it was so hot and why it was so busy on roads with unending traffic but she was clearly amazed that the picture she had in her mind did not match what was in front of her.

She got to visit places that were similar to what she was used to in England and in fact, in her own words “I feel like a princess” because she was treated as such. When we got back, she told everyone who cared to listen how great Nigeria was and how much fun she had when she went.

Fast forward to when she returned to school that year, and one of her first tasks was to write an original poem. You will never guess what she chose to write her poem about with a little help from mummy and daddy 😊😊…….

“My great Africa, How I love my Africa

Full of people with great culture

Blessed with unspeakable nature,

Filled with colours of the rainbow

Birds fly in the beautiful sky

Chipping harmony in their colourful flights,

My great Africa, how I love my Africa”.

Safe to say she got a recognition at school for her poem and she is still quite proud of it.

Now she is an advocate for correcting the stereotype that Africa is only full of poor people who need help from charity organisations. She will tell you “there are poor people everywhere and rich people too”.

In conclusion, let’s intentionally teach our children the values that made our childhood beautiful and gives us a sense of belonging to a culture truly blessed with beauty; an identity worthy of pride.

Parenting is one of the greatest gifts and responsibilities ever handed to mankind. It is ironic that something can be a gift can also be a responsibility at the same time. The gift comes in its rawest form, and just like a seed, the rewards are often gotten through the process of nurturing. It is a gift that is multi-dimensional and unique that we almost never unpeel all the layers when it comes to how we parent our children. I chose to start this blog to help me become more intentional about how I parent my children, through reflection on my past experiences as a child and learning from my children who have frankly, been the best teachers through the journey so far. So why have I chosen to talk about “the Present Parent”? There is a beautiful thing about being present in the moment (not missing a thing) and observing/recognising the various events and stages our children go through in their journey through life.

I remember both my daughters took their first steps at approximately 15 and 16 months, and at this point, I was desperate to see them both walk. As soon as it looked like it would happen, I would whip my phone out to catch it on video, and each time they would “fall my hand” (disappoint me). Unfortunately, I missed both moments as it happened whilst they were both at nursery. I remember feeling really upset and angry; how could I have put in all this work to help them take that first steps, and I didn’t get to see the product of my hard work. It truly felt frustrating.

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However, when I reflect on it now, I feel like they felt my anxiety and probably didn’t do it when they were around me because of how hard I pushed them. I wanted to be sure that I would help them take their first steps and be there when it happened; No one deserved it more. I tried every tactic I could think of, read different articles on google and spoke to every parent in my circle to get advice. The reality is my focus was on the wrong things, my job was to guide and allow them find their rhythm, instead, I treated it like a competition because I felt I had failed in my parenting if they had not walked at the age of 1. Who teaches us these unnecessary pressures we put on ourselves? I truly wonder. The things we hear and the standards we set for ourselves on how we parent our children are often defined by societal expectations and standards that we forget that each child is unique and trying to meet these expectations takes the joy out of what should really be discovering and nurturing the unique. gift of that child.

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A perfect illustration of this is well placed in my childhood experiences. My experience of being a child has both pleasant and unpleasant memories in it. Some of these experiences have defined my relationship with my children both positively and negatively, some I am still praying for the grace to let go. One thing I am in no doubt about, is that my parents loved me dearly, however, the relationship I have with each of them is uniquely different, one I wish was the reverse and I will explain this. I am the only daughter of three children and with this comes the “Blessing of the first-born child”. As such, my mum felt the pressure of making sure her only daughter would model what society referred to in the African context as the “good girl child”. I would often watch her from a young age when she talked about me to her friends about the kind of behaviours she would never accept from me, so I quickly learnt the act of what she wanted me to model. The way in which I was disciplined was far different from that which my brothers experienced.

Consequently, the relationship I had with my mum was non-existent as I needed to keep up the “good girl act” so as not to disappoint her. Anything short of this I understood would get me into trouble and what was considered as discipline back then, in my opinion, I now refer to as abuse. Therefore, when I found myself in difficult situations, I needed to try and figure it out for myself as I couldn’t have an honest conversation with my mother which I truly longed for. On the other hand, my dad is what I refer to now as the “present parent” in my life. Although he spent the most time away from home due to work, when he was around I felt safe and secure to talk about anything. My dad never judged me for my mistakes, instead he found ways to positively encourage me, even though sometimes I could see the disappointment in his eyes.

I often craved for the same relationship with my mum because there were certain things I wanted to talk to her about that I felt I couldn’t have with my dad, but it just wasn’t going to happen. You see, my mum structured her parenting in such a way that there was no room for anything outside of what she had imagined would be her hopes of shaping me into the perfect example of what society would be proud of, an epitome of perfection according to societal standards. I was bitter for the longest time, and sometimes, I still catch myself feeling resentful about how I wished my mum and I had a better relationship growing up. However, being a mother now has helped me deal with some of these issues, and rather than hold them against her, I realise that she almost didn’t have a choice. Societal conditioning when it comes to parenting has such a strong hold and anything outside the norm is considered bad parenting. Although I doubted it for the longest time, now I know my mum loved me, and the fear of not fitting into what was considered “noble and pure” was a thing of shame and disgrace. I hear things in my career now like “the voice of the child” and I laugh as this was never even considered a thing growing up. Parenting was very one sided, your opinions and views are invalid, and now I cringe realising how oppressive that was for me growing up. Although I hoped for more, this singular factor drives me every day to be the “present parent” in the life of my children.

As I go through this journey of self-discovery, I hope this helps me and anyone reading this to take conscious steps to see parenting as a gift worth enjoying and your children as the best teachers.

Until next time, remember how you were as a child, what you most craved for from your parents, and intentionally extend the same courtesy to your children.